About Last Night: No Fire Yet, but Maybe a Spark on 90210

(A little housekeeping note: This is the first of a couple of regular features I'll be implementing on the site over the coming days in an effort to increase the frequency of my posts. "About Last Night"—in which I'll briefly address the six or seven hours of TV I watched the previous evening—will appear a few times a week, barring any unforeseen circumstances, like a natural disaster or a shoe sale at Nine West or, more likely, a sudden, debilitating bout of laziness.)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010
8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
90210, "Meet the Parent"

I was a big fan of the original Beverly Hills, 90210—I've seen every episode of every season multiple times—so I had high hopes for this reboot when it premiered back in 2008. The show had a rocky first year trying to find its footing, but it came back last fall younger, hotter, and just a little trashier—exactly the way a teen soap should be. Last night's episode wasn't especially scandalous, but it did set the scene for some potentially awesome trouble down the line. You can find detailed recaps elsewhere, so I'm just going to post a few thoughts I had while watching. (Consider this your spoiler alert.)

1) Is anyone else bored by Teddy and Silver together? I like them both as individuals, but they're far too stable as a couple. There was maybe a minute and a half last night in which Teddy considered taking his father's advice and giving up his relationship with Silver to focus on his burgeoning tennis career—also, what?—but then Jessica Stroup rode up on her little Vespa, and he couldn't wait 30 seconds to tell her he was in love with her. Yawn. Where's the drama, writers? I like my teen romance with a healthy dose of angst and inner conflict.

2) I think Adrianna might be my favorite character on the show, though I honestly couldn't tell you why. Maybe it's because Jessica Lowndes is just so ridiculously pretty? Or because she sings, and I...like music? I don't know. In any case, I'm excited to see where this whole Latin pop-star flirtation is going. Her duet with Javier last night didn't knock my socks off—it sounded vaguely like something you'd hear in a made-for-TV Disney movie—but that doesn't mean they don't have potential as a pair outside the studio. (As an aside, how great was Adrianna's rendition of Dolly Parton's "Jolene" a few weeks ago? I love Dolly's twangy original as much as the next girl, but Jessica Lowndes' melancholic acapella rendering made me listen to the song in a completely different way.)

3) Can someone—maybe a guy—tell me what Liam sees in Naomi? She's snobby, shallow, and beyond oblivious to anything that doesn't directly concern her. I don't necessarily want to see him with Annie in the long run, but anyone would be better than Naomi at this point. She's, like, not even a real person right now. I do love AnnaLynne McCord's camptastic theatrics, though. So appropriate.

4) The Powers That Be really need to put Rob Estes and Aunt Becky out of their misery. That failed-marriage subplot is a waste of screen time and talent. No one watches the CW for the grown-ups.

5) Jen is totally crazy. It's amazing. I can't wait to see what she does next. I hope—for the sake of the show, mostly, but also because Naomi is really getting on my nerves—that's it's something truly outrageous. There are only two episodes left this season—you better bring it, writers.

Fictional Characters I Would Date, Part 2

See Part 1 for a housekeeping note regarding this post.

Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds, Firefly
Truth? My reasons for including Mal on this list have less to do with the actual character than with the actor playing the character. Don't get me wrong—I like Mal. But I adore Nathan Fillion. He's got charisma and je ne sais quoi in spades. And the Captain is by far my favorite of his onscreen alter egos—Mal is brave, loyal, resilient, steadfast in his beliefs, and straight-forward about everything except his emotions, which is ideal for a commitment-phobe like myself. My only concern is the fact that he and his crew seem to find themselves in life-threatening situations pretty much wherever they go. But, you know, other than that, he's great.

Uncle Jesse, Full House
That hair, those eyes, this video...


Cappie, Greek
Cappie is Peter Pan, Van Wilder, and Zack Morris all rolled into one. He needs a baby-sitter, not a girlfriend. And yet...there's something about him that's just kind of irresistible. He reminds me a little of this guy I know/adore. (You know who you are.)

Pacey Witter, Dawson's Creek
Long before Edward and Jacob battled it out for Bella's affections in Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series, another rivalry divided the angsty adolescent masses in two. Leading the charge on one side was Dawson Leery, a self-proclaimed eternal optimist who fell for his longtime best friend, Josephine "Joey" Potter. His competitor in the quest for her heart was notorious screw-up Pacey Witter. It should have been an easy fight. But Pacey pulled off one of the greatest upsets in love-triangle history. For the record, though, I was always in his corner. I liked him even in Season 1, when he was fooling around with his English teacher and making a mess of everyone's lives. He's just so...charming, you know?

Dylan McKay, Beverly Hills, 90210
Dylan has a lot of strikes against him—alcoholism, drug addiction, a brief obsession with guns, a prostitute half-sister, a murdered wife whose mobster family ordered a hit on his embezzling ex-con father—but he's the kind of player who always comes through in a clutch. And in spite of all the bad in his life, he has more good in him than a lot of real people I know. Plus, that James Dean, rebel-without-a-cause thing he's got going on is, like, absurdly attractive.

Seth Cohen, The OC
Seth is the perfect combination of geek and chic. He likes anime and video games, has a plastic horse named Captain Oats, and watches IMAX nature films—but he also reads Kerouac, listens to indie music, and has his own comic book. (Some might file that last item under the "geek" column, but I think it's kind of awesome.) Plus, he's not cool enough to run game on a girl, but he's also not so socially inept that he can't carry on a decent conversation while, say, waiting in line for Death Cab tickets. Win.

Kirby Atwood, Lipstick Jungle
Robert Buckley is hot. Ergo, Kirby Atwood is hot. I don't usually start relationships based solely on physical attraction—I don't usually start relationships at all, actually—but I'd make an exception (on both counts) in this case.


Still to come: Fictional Characters I Would Date in Real Life, Parts 3 and On (it's an embarrassingly long list), plus A Few I Wouldn't Touch With a 10-Foot Pole

Breakfast in Bed: Teen Soaps

It's a cold and rainy Saturday here in Brooklyn. The view from my second-story window looks like a ruined watercolor, blurry from the downpour and gray all over. I'll have to brave it eventually, but for the moment, I'm staying warm and dry on my living-room futon. Bella, my roommate's too-cute-for-words golden Lab retriever, is curled up on the floor by my feet. I've got coffee, blankets, and Breakfast in Bed. Life is good.

Breakfast in Bed is one of my favorite ways to whittle away lazy weekend mornings. And sometimes—depending on the weather, my mood, and how hermit-like I'm feeling—lazy weekend afternoons, too. It's 11 hours and four courses of delicious self-indulgence. And none of it has any fat, sugar, or calories.

Wait, what? Where does one find this alleged phenomenon?

Believe it or not, dear readers: SoapNet.

It should be clear by now that I'm not talking about breakfast of the eggs, bacon, or pancakes variety. Which is not to say I don't love that kind of breakfast, too. I just haven't figured out a way to eat it for 11 hours straight without gaining 20 pounds or slipping into an irreversible food coma. (If any of you can solve that problem for me, I'd be eternally grateful.) No, the kind of "breakfast" I'm gorging on is SoapNet's oh-so-brilliant weekly marathon of soapy teen dramas: three hours of The OC, two hours of One Tree Hill, FOUR hours of Beverly Hills, 90210 (I *heart* Dylan McKay), and two hours of Gilmore Girls.

I know what you're thinking. And, no, I don't watch all 11 hours, and, yes, I do have a life. Breakfast in Bed is just what I put on while mentally preparing to paint the town all sorts of red. Right now, for example, I'm enjoying an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 in which (spoiler alert) David inherits a ton of money from his grandfather and goes on a crazy spending binge in Vegas that ends with him passed out in a hotel room after being robbed by two girls he met on the Strip. (I've seen it before.) And, in a little while, I'll be lapping up lots of lively dialogue and mother-daughter hijinks on Gilmore Girls. But later I'm heading out in the storm to meet my friend Jessie for dinner and drinks at Char No. 4. My real, flesh-and-blood friend Jessie. See? I don't hang out with just fictional people. I'm totally normal.